The Guardian (London) Oct. 11, 1996
BYLINE: Ken Campbell

Contributed by Tim Cridland

There are two races: true Humans, and Yetinsyn half-breeds, the degenerate progeny of human women raped by Yetis, Bigfeet and Abominable Snowmen. The Yetinsyny tend to be criminals, communists and dictators. If you want to know more, you write to Stanislav Szukalski, apparently, 'an unsung Crazed Genius whose written rants, beautiful art and tragic life-story swing between the upliftingly surreal and the psychotically paranoid.' Or are you after frothing rant cassettes with titles like: Hitler's UFO Forces; Soviet Weather War; Christmas is Baal-worship? I know where you write off to.

Perhaps you'd like to tape-spond with Professor Mark Von Mothersbaugh who discovered that if a tape of the spoken phrase 'Jesus loves you', is played backward, it sounds like 'We smell sausage'. ('Uoy Sevol Susej' - I believe the professor sponds regularly with Stanislav Szukalski).

Shall we join the Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism? 'Seeking scientific and historical evidence for the literal existence of Santa Claus' who claim to have 'discovered an actual Shroud of Santa'? (Because I know their address . . .) 'The ignorant man is like the fly; always searching for the perfect cow flop' is an example of the Esoteric Wisdom of His Holiness Swami Mahananda Rajnuk Chittawan Aushannesistan Ji. I can titillate with more: 'If you seek wisdom diligently, soon enough someone will sell it to you'; We are but lumps of consciousness in the gravy of awareness'; 'Many times it is necessary to consider a task before taking a nap'. There's an indispensable pocket-size book of the Swami's wisdom. The price is a secret.

I know how you can get a Doctor of Thinkology degree and other indoctrination materials for $ 15 from the Church of Universal Confusion, if anyone's interested.

After Gerry Reith wrote 'Neutron Gun' ('More than just a book, this is a concussive device' - (publisher's description) - 'There will be people who say that mere ideas cannot be dangerous . . . well they just never had ideas like these'. He blew his brains out while sitting at the typewriter. And I've never seen it in any bookshop, but I know who you write to if you want one.

Only ladies can join Ladies Against Women, and then only with their husband's permission, or that of their father or clergyMAN.

  Our world is a bird that fabricates other birds, that we are and that here we are in passing' is an example from cosmic alien authors, collectively called the Superior Rational and currently dispensing wisdom from Rio. Apparently we didn't evolve from monkeys, but from ash-monsters formed from primordial resin. You can get stuff for free from the Rational Superiors if you say you're really into it.

Aluminium was introduced into our environment to sap our will, so you need to know where to get your 'Polarity Pillow' to negate the toxic effects.

The labours of the late Richard Shaver who investigated the vast tunnels beneath our planet in which dwell the quasi-physical entities, the Deros, (they date back to pre-history and still prey on humans by mind-control) are being kept alive and 'thrashing' by the Shavertrons (sic) in [northern] California. The Shavertrons (sic) have 'a great handle on the whole issue of harrassment by invisible entities'. Six quid or so should get us a whole bundle from them. [Don't count on it--Ye Ed]

My knowledge of all this comes from one of my favourite books: the Rev Ivan Stang's High Weirdness By Mail, a directory of Mad Prophets, Crackpots, Kooks and True Visionaries. Published as 'a fireside book' by Simon and Schuster a few years ago, it's not that easy to find so I'm giving you the ISBN: 0-671-64260-X.

The Rev not only gives you the addresses of approximately 1,000 funny/alarming crackpots and institutions, but also his tips on how to approach them, plus his own very lively, witty, and sometimes scary, rundowns.

I quote the Rev's sermon at the beginning of his section on Weird Science: 'When writing to these outfits, it's a good idea to sound as nutty as they do. You'll get faster service and a lot more loot. But keep in mind that some may not be nearly as 'nutty' as you think, lost as you are in a backwash of 'conventional science' ignorance.

"Of course, to you, this is all a joke, a parade of 'crazy people' for you to sneer at - ha, ha - but will you be laughing quite so hard when you're shivering in a concentration camp hovel, knowing, finally, that half of what these kooks said was TRUE, but you ignored it; knowing that the 'silly kooks' you MOCKED could have ushered in a new PARADISE ON EARTH had not people like you laughed at them? Will it be so funny then?"

Ken Campbell, October 1996