The Guardian (London) Oct. 11, 1996
SECTION: THE GUARDIAN FEATURES PAGE; Pg. T24
BYLINE: Ken Campbell
Contributed by Tim Cridland
There are two races: true Humans, and Yetinsyn half-breeds, the degenerate
progeny of human women raped by Yetis, Bigfeet and Abominable Snowmen. The
Yetinsyny tend to be criminals, communists and dictators. If you want to know
more, you write to Stanislav Szukalski, apparently, 'an unsung Crazed Genius
whose written rants, beautiful art and tragic life-story swing between the
upliftingly surreal and the psychotically paranoid.' Or are you after frothing
rant cassettes with titles like: Hitler's UFO Forces; Soviet Weather War;
Christmas is Baal-worship? I know where you write off to.
Perhaps you'd like to tape-spond with Professor Mark Von Mothersbaugh who
discovered that if a tape of the spoken phrase 'Jesus loves you', is played
backward, it sounds like 'We smell sausage'. ('Uoy Sevol Susej' - I believe the
professor sponds regularly with Stanislav Szukalski).
Shall we join the Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism? 'Seeking scientific
and historical evidence for the literal existence of Santa Claus' who claim to
have 'discovered an actual Shroud of Santa'? (Because I know their address . .
.) 'The ignorant man is like the fly; always searching for the perfect cow flop'
is an example of the Esoteric Wisdom of His Holiness Swami Mahananda Rajnuk
Chittawan Aushannesistan Ji. I can titillate with more: 'If you seek wisdom
diligently, soon enough someone will sell it to you'; We are but lumps of
consciousness in the gravy of awareness'; 'Many times it is necessary to
consider a task before taking a nap'. There's an indispensable pocket-size book
of the Swami's wisdom. The price is a secret.
I know how you can get a Doctor of Thinkology degree and other indoctrination
materials for $ 15 from the Church of Universal Confusion, if anyone's
After Gerry Reith wrote 'Neutron Gun' ('More than just a book, this is a
concussive device' - (publisher's description) - 'There will be people who say
that mere ideas cannot be dangerous . . . well they just never had ideas like
these'. He blew his brains out while sitting at the typewriter. And I've never
seen it in any bookshop, but I know who you write to if you want one.
Only ladies can join Ladies Against Women, and then only with their husband's
permission, or that of their father or clergyMAN.
Our world is a bird that fabricates other birds, that we are and that here we
are in passing' is an example from cosmic alien authors, collectively called the
Superior Rational and currently dispensing wisdom from Rio. Apparently we didn't
evolve from monkeys, but from ash-monsters formed from primordial resin. You can
get stuff for free from the Rational Superiors if you say you're really into it.
Aluminium was introduced into our environment to sap our will, so you need to
know where to get your 'Polarity Pillow' to negate the toxic effects.
The labours of the late Richard Shaver who investigated the vast tunnels beneath
our planet in which dwell the quasi-physical entities, the Deros, (they date
back to pre-history and still prey on humans by mind-control) are being kept
alive and 'thrashing' by the Shavertrons (sic) in [northern] California. The Shavertrons (sic)
have 'a great handle on the whole issue of harrassment by invisible entities'.
Six quid or so should get us a whole bundle from them. [Don't count on it--Ye Ed]
My knowledge of all this comes from one of my favourite books: the Rev Ivan
Stang's High Weirdness By Mail, a directory of Mad Prophets, Crackpots, Kooks
and True Visionaries. Published as 'a fireside book' by Simon and Schuster a few
years ago, it's not that easy to find so I'm giving you the ISBN: 0-671-64260-X.
The Rev not only gives you the addresses of approximately 1,000 funny/alarming
crackpots and institutions, but also his tips on how to approach them, plus his
own very lively, witty, and sometimes scary, rundowns.
I quote the Rev's sermon at the beginning of his section on Weird Science: 'When
writing to these outfits, it's a good idea to sound as nutty as they do. You'll
get faster service and a lot more loot. But keep in mind that some may not be
nearly as 'nutty' as you think, lost as you are in a backwash of 'conventional
"Of course, to you, this is all a joke, a parade of 'crazy people' for you to
sneer at - ha, ha - but will you be laughing quite so hard when you're shivering
in a concentration camp hovel, knowing, finally, that half of what these kooks
said was TRUE, but you ignored it; knowing that the 'silly kooks' you MOCKED
could have ushered in a new PARADISE ON EARTH had not people like you laughed at
them? Will it be so funny then?"
Ken Campbell, October 1996